Made Up Crap (dot) Com

PALO ALTO, Calif. - Having nearly tripled its audience and added about 20,000 new applications over the past year, Facebook Inc.’s popular online hangout is about to undergo a housecleaning.

Visitors who can’t stand the clutter that’s been piling up will be glad to see that the site’s new look sweeps disparate bits of information into categories marked by tabs at the top of each user’s customized home page.

Basic personal background and interests will be filed under an “info” tab, for instance, while news about users’ buddies’ latest activities will land under a “feed” tab, pictures will be corralled in a “photo” section and applications will be easily located under a “programs” tab. That content is now scattered, creating a confusing mishmash that has frustrated some Facebook users.

The most complained about issue since it’s launch, Facebook Social Ads is to be no more. Facebook users have demanded since day one that the ads be taken down and their screen be clear of spam advertisements. It looks as though they are finally going to get what they want, even if it puts hundreds of people out of work. When questioned regarding how Facebook now plans to make money Mark Zuckerberg said “We are t3h Facebook, All your Base are belong to Us”.

The facelift, in the works since January, is to debut in June.

Besides tidying the site, the overhaul should give users more control over their profiles, Facebook managers said Wednesday as they previewed the redesign at the startup’s Palo Alto headquarters. Users will be able to magnify information they want to emphasize and downplay other features, for example.

Even so, many users are likely to protest, said Mark Slee, the Facebook product manager overseeing the facelift.

“Change is difficult for our users, even positive changes,” Slee said. “But we are pretty confident that we can walk everyone through this so they will be engaged with the changes and enjoy them.”

Facebook has had to quell two user rebellions since Mark Zuckerberg started the site a little over four years ago while he was still an undergraduate at Harvard University.

In 2006, users railed against a feature called “news feed” as too intrusive because it shared too much information about their activities. The backlash caused Zuckerberg to apologize and tweak the application to give users more control over how the information was shared. The news feed is now a Facebook staple.

Zuckerberg, 24, apologized again late last year after a tracking tool called “Beacon” caught users off guard by broadcasting information about their shopping habits and personal preferences expressed by their activity at other Web sites. Facebook decided to allow users to turn off Beacon, diminishing its reach and possible value to advertisers.

Despite those hiccups, Facebook has emerged as Silicon Valley’s hottest startup since Internet search leader Google Inc., which recently has been losing some of its prized employees to Facebook. Ben Ling, a former top engineer at Google, is part of the team working on Facebook’s overhaul.

Microsoft Corp. put its stamp of approval on Facebook late last year by paying $240 million for a 1.6 percent stake in the startup — a deal that implied a $15 billion value for Facebook.

Since dropping a $47.5 billion offer to buy Yahoo Inc., Microsoft reportedly has been mulling a bid for Facebook, although Zuckerberg has repeatedly indicated he wants to preserve the privately held company’s independence.

Facebook turned into a potential gold mine as it extended beyond its initial goal of allowing college students swap information about each other. The site now has 70 million users worldwide, up from about 24 million a year ago.

Zuckerberg’s decision to open Facebook to outside applications last year has played a key role in Facebook’s rapid growth. Since then, developers have contributed 20,000 applications that make it easier to distribute photos, share music and play games.

But all those programs were starting to make Facebook look jumbled — a problem that also has plagued the Internet’s largest social network, News Corp.’s Myspace.com.

Facebook is trying to address the situation without alienating the outside developers who helped fuel the site’s success. That’s taken on added importance since Google launched a network last year to help developers create applications to run on multiple Web sites.

After spending months addressing their concerns, Facebook plans to open a “sandbox” where programmers can experiment with how things will work at the redesigned Facebook.

“There may be some short-term pain, but I think there will be more long-term gains,” predicted Ling, who is Facebook’s director of platform product marketing.

A merger of catastrophic proportions took place today as two of the largest computer technology firms are set to combine.

Steve Jobs, formerly of Apple Inc., has finally given in to investor pressure to sell the trend setting company. There has been no word yet as to how the United States Government will treat the merger as it is sure to violate the antitrust and monopoly laws set it place.

The deal has been in the works for well over a year now and was sealed after Microsoft started selling its popular office sweet for the Mac platform.

Microsoft is reportedly set to pay $32.8 billion dollars, and Bill Gates sign his sole over to Steve Jobs and admit that he stole ideas for Apple Inc.. There is no reported estimate on how much Bill Gates soul is in fact worth, but our analysts have estimated it in the several billions.

Activision’s Bobby Kotick in a new press release offered up the idea that their Guitar Hero line of games is in need of a much needed face lift with new ideas. Rock Band showed to them that consumers were willing to pay a premium for quality instruments.

Kotick did not specify all the instruments that were being considered for release, however he did say that a top-of-the-line accordion and keyboard would definitely be included in the next release.

In a madeupcrap.com exclusive, we have received pictures of Bobby Kotick with the two instruments that will be included in the release:

A new study out of the University of Western Ontario, proves that smoking actually prolongs life if one does not get cancer first.

The study that started several decades ago concluded that a person who smoked was more likely to live a longer, more healthy life if cancer is taken out of the equation.

One in three people in their lifetime will develop a cancer of some sort regardless of habit, life style and other previously thought determining factors. The study also proved that there was no significant increase in cancer from those that smoked and those that did not.

Dr. Rosely Batemarn recommends that you in fact do smoke based on these findings. She herself has taken up the habit and has given smokes to both her children, aged 9 and 14.

Smoking is still bad for children under the age of 5 as their lungs will not fully develop due to the nicotine.

One of the most popular browser based online games has been forced to take down all their game servers after a judge ruled that they were in violation of the copyright held by Tribal Wars.

Tribal Wars is a similar game based on different themes, however they claim that the idea of a non-turn based browser game falls under their copyright. Unfortunately for Travian players, this leaves them game less and bored.

Constable John Henry went on record with us saying that police forces world wide are preparing for a mass influx of bored teens getting into trouble. It has started already in Sydney where several sporting good stores have reported that an angry mob has looted their stores.

President Bush put a call into the CEO of the company that owns Tribal Wars asking him to allow Travian to resume their servers for the good of society.

The man shot dead this morning had a protection order against the man who shot him and then himself in what police are saying was an apparent murder-suicide.

At about 9:30am police received reports of two shots being fired, said Constable Mike Richards. When police arrived at the fourth-floor office, they found two people dead: a man, identified by family members as “Shoemoney”, and Joe “SundayBrew”. A six-shot revolver was found in the office.

Witnesses said Shoemoney, owner and writer of http://www.shoemoney.com, had taken out a domestic-violence protection order against Joe, 41, in King County Superior Court on March 6.

Joe is pictured here showing off his “Shoemoney” tattoo. As you can clearly see by his rapist glasses and mustache, this was clearly a disturbed man.

Along with the revolver a suicide note was also found. It reads as follows:

Edited due to copyright.

Police were initially confused by the love letter that was found until an autopsy was done on Shoemoney’s body, finding a large amount of seamen in his anal cavity.

    At todays scheduled Blizzard press conference CEO Paul Sams reported that World of Warcraft players have started to play more infrequently. According to Blizzard, the average population is down more than 30% from last year at this date. Paul Sams did not divulge any information on to why this might have happened, however many analyst have pegged it on the evolution of the market and the release of newer games such as Lord of the Rings Online by Turbine.

Turbine has been attempting to draw a large portion of the “WoWers” to Lord of the Rings Online by offering incentives such as a lower monthly cost. Turbine has also been able to hold onto their players by offering a loyalty program.

When asked what their plan was to try and bring the population back up, Paul Sams responded with a dumbfounded “We are not sure there is anything we can do.” He went on to further explain that because of the shortcomings of the World of Warcraft population, their budget was stretched. He also alluded to the possibility of having to pause further development of future games such as the expansion World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King. 

A man was found early last week suffering from frostbite after being chained to a street lamp post for over eight hours. The man, who wishes to remain unnamed, was taken to a nearby hospital to be treated for his injuries. There he explained to police that he was having a meeting with one of his many clients when out of no where the client randomly punched him, handcuffed him to a nearby post and took off running.

The Police officers that originally questioned him stated that he seemed very forthcoming with information regarding the attack, until questioned on his business and who his client is. After probing the man for more information for hours the man opened up and told the Police that his business was that of “asking for money over e-mail”. Originally confused by the business, Police ran a background check on the unnamed man which revealed that the man was a flagged e-mail scam artist.

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Researchers have found that 18-28 year old North American males that are adept at computer games are also much more responsive when it comes to sexual activities. When their partners were polled, a stunning 81% replied that “the sexual performance of their current partner (the gamer) greatly exceeds my experiences with others in the past.” What exactly does this mean? It means that there could be a link between being good in bed and being a good gamer. No kidding.

The study was conducted among 287 gamers that currently had active sexual relationships. It is important to note that the attractiveness of the gamers (or their partners) was not considered a factor. These gamers were chosen for the study based on the following criteria:

1. They excelled at one of the following types of games: Action, first person shooter, RPG, MMORPG, real time strategy, or puzzle. One entrant was a master at the latest version of “Diner Dash”.
2. They played games at least once a day - If they were not daily gamers, they were not eligible for inclusion in the study.
3. They played one kind of platform exclusively - Everyone knows that you can only be good at one thing.

The questions that the gamers were asked were carefully selected for their relevance and cultural significance. Also, the researchers were genuinely curious about some things- see if you can spot the questions.

1. What games do you play?
2. How often do you play?
3. How often do you shower?
4. What is a ‘Vulva’?
5. What is a ‘Clitoris’?
6. What is your best pick up line?
7. Do you have any sexual partners?
8. No, really, do you?
9. What is your level of sexual experience?
10. How often do you… you know… spoil your hands cleanliness with hanky spanky?

On the other side, the questions that the gamers partners were asked were a bit more relaxed:

1. What games do you play?
2. How often do you play?
3. How often does your partner shower?
4. What is a ‘graphical processing unit’?
5. What is ‘random accessible memory’?
6. Were you bribed to be with your partner?
7. Seriously, how much was it?
8. Why are you dating a gamer?
9. What is your level of sexual experience?
10. Do you get off to Wii sports? Be honest- it’s important that we know.

So, guy gamers out there, whip out that copy of Counterstrike and get crackin! Your future partners are expecting nothing other than top-notch quality from you!

Today a spokes person for Energizer batteries admitted in a press conference that their product has been linked to many cases of erectile dysfunction. Erectile dysfunction or ED is when the male genitalia is no longer able to produce an erection. Many men refer to this situation as “their peeper is on the fritz”.

Energizer is scrambling to figure out the root cause of the problem, as no one has yet linked the competing Duracell brand to be causing the same problems in men world wide. A scientist at the University of Western Ontario in Canada claims that the batteries cause ED based on the frequency they verberate at.

Based on these findings by scientists, Energizer is settling thousands of court cases in the United Sates and has seen its stock price drop from an all time high of $111.58 to $24.49.

Energizer, who also owns Schick razors, announced in the same press conference that it was putting off the release of it’s new nine blade razor until it sorts out its erectile dysfunction problem. This is an unfortunate day for men everywhere as now thanks to Energizer batteries they are stuck without being able to get an erection and doomed to shave with an inferior razor that leaves their face feeling less like a babies bottom.

I guess Energizers advertising scheme of “It keeps going and going and going” was refering to your television remote and not your “penis”.